Well, I haven’t done a great job posting regularly about the grand adventure of being self-employed, because often it feels more like unemployed. I hear the stats on the radio – “Unemployment is dropping because people aren’t looking for jobs!” – and I nod my head in solidarity. Yeah, everyone out there, I’m not job searching either. Instead, I am staying home. Very occasionally, I even vacuum.
The truth of it, though, is that I have been doing work. I have been rowing and petsitting and dog training and learning about dog training. I have been networking and self-caring it up like whoa (sometimes I even do art projects. Crazy!). I often feel guilty about that last part. Like, how dare I just take care of myself and be able to live on that? Really?
Okay, I admit: I feel guilty about it right now.
How unfair is it that I got to hang out at home today, watch TV, and drink wine? Okay, if we’re being totally honest I should also admit that I did some networking, completed financial aid stuff, did my taxes, hiked the dogs, vacuumed the house, had a doctor’s appointment, did homework, and cleaned the house. So the day was not a total wash. Maybe the real lesson here is that I need to write my lists differently.
One of the requirements for my school program is that I work 30 hours a week “in my field.” This is in addition to classes, so the whole shebang takes up around 60+ hours a week. Starting… this week. For now (e.g. today and tomorrow), I am trying to appreciate these slow days, and I am trying to give myself permission to do things like watch 4 consecutive episodes of The United States of Tara (SO much better than I thought it would be. I think I’m in love with John Corbett.). These are my last days, I keep telling myself. Love them! Take advantage of them! TAKE AS MUCH CARE AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE EVER.
And you know what? I think it might be a good thing if that is really, truly true. If this is my last year of underemployment, of free time, of saying, “Well, I can sleep in tomorrow because I have no plans!” (For the record, sleeping in means till, say, 6:50am. I know.), that could really be a good thing. I don’t do well with free time. I need chaos. I need to squeeze my little pleasures into the corners of my hours, which are also listed in neat checklists. Free time be damned!
What I’ve learned from taking a year off? That’s a great question. I think I have learned to slow down, and to appreciate a long afternoon. I have learned to revel in the sunlight and appreciate a good long walk with the dogs. I have learned to approach time as if there is SO MUCH OF IT, which I know is not exactly true but is a nice opposing view to THERE IS TOO MUCH TIME MUST FILL IT UP.
As I said a little over a year ago: Fingers crossed, here we go.
