Well, I haven’t done a great job posting regularly about the grand adventure of being self-employed, because often it feels more like unemployed. I hear the stats on the radio – “Unemployment is dropping because people aren’t looking for jobs!” – and I nod my head in solidarity. Yeah, everyone out there, I’m not job searching either. Instead, I am staying home. Very occasionally, I even vacuum.
The truth of it, though, is that I have been doing work. I have been rowing and petsitting and dog training and learning about dog training. I have been networking and self-caring it up like whoa (sometimes I even do art projects. Crazy!). I often feel guilty about that last part. Like, how dare I just take care of myself and be able to live on that? Really?
Okay, I admit: I feel guilty about it right now.
How unfair is it that I got to hang out at home today, watch TV, and drink wine? Okay, if we’re being totally honest I should also admit that I did some networking, completed financial aid stuff, did my taxes, hiked the dogs, vacuumed the house, had a doctor’s appointment, did homework, and cleaned the house. So the day was not a total wash. Maybe the real lesson here is that I need to write my lists differently.
One of the requirements for my school program is that I work 30 hours a week “in my field.” This is in addition to classes, so the whole shebang takes up around 60+ hours a week. Starting… this week. For now (e.g. today and tomorrow), I am trying to appreciate these slow days, and I am trying to give myself permission to do things like watch 4 consecutive episodes of The United States of Tara (SO much better than I thought it would be. I think I’m in love with John Corbett.). These are my last days, I keep telling myself. Love them! Take advantage of them! TAKE AS MUCH CARE AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE EVER.
And you know what? I think it might be a good thing if that is really, truly true. If this is my last year of underemployment, of free time, of saying, “Well, I can sleep in tomorrow because I have no plans!” (For the record, sleeping in means till, say, 6:50am. I know.), that could really be a good thing. I don’t do well with free time. I need chaos. I need to squeeze my little pleasures into the corners of my hours, which are also listed in neat checklists. Free time be damned!
What I’ve learned from taking a year off? That’s a great question. I think I have learned to slow down, and to appreciate a long afternoon. I have learned to revel in the sunlight and appreciate a good long walk with the dogs. I have learned to approach time as if there is SO MUCH OF IT, which I know is not exactly true but is a nice opposing view to THERE IS TOO MUCH TIME MUST FILL IT UP.
As I said a little over a year ago: Fingers crossed, here we go.
Yes, it’s such a challenge, and also so very important to examine, I think. I was unemployed for just shy of a year in 2009 and really struggled with the lack of structure (small amount of time taken for myself –> guilt –> depression –> less motivation –> spiraling bad scene). My husband is in an extended job search now, and he’s better about creating structure for himself, but not as good at finding value in what he’s contributing to the household. (Dude, if you didn’t walk the pup and do the laundry and make dinner and wash the dishes, we’d still be doing all that stuff at 9:00 every night and we’d be miserable!)
All that to say: thanks for this post! I think it’s an important topic.
….um, ditto. When I started school this fall, I purposefully didn’t jump into OMG CO-CHAIR OF EVERY CLUB EVER because I knew that once the semester started, the time commitment would kill me. Purposefully NOT involving myself has saved me from myself. And since I’m starting my internship next year (that’s 40 hours of school, plus 20 hours of internship, each week), I know that this is my last semester of relaxing, taking weekends off, and NOT being at church every Sunday. It’s important to take the time for self care (baths! yoga! reading!), so that the energy you put into your work is the best of you. Don’t feel guilty, and I won’t either.
The grass is always greener… sorta! When I was unemployed/actively job hunting, I felt like such a waste of space. Although it was nice to have so much free time, the lack of income made me guilty every time I tried to do something nice. Now that I’ve been employed I am basically living for the weekends, which fly by. It’s awesome that you’re trying to enjoy yours now. In the time you have left (today? tomorrow?) just revel in it! And please pour out a little bit of wine for your homies who are locked up… to their desks.
OMG I spent all last sunday watching all of season one of The United States of Tara. I get home from school at 10pm and still manage to squeeze in an episode or two of season two. I love it! John Corbett is so sweet. But he is kinda like that in all his roles.
Go Bird go!